The Neurochemical Factors That Fuel Trauma Bonds

At the root of emotion is chemistry.

Photo by Bret Kavanaugh on Unsplash

Why can’t I stop thinking about someone who hurt me? It’s the question that keeps survivors up at night. You left. You blocked them. You know what they did was wrong. And yet, there’s a part of you that still aches for their approval, replays the good times, or wonders if it was all your fault. It’s maddening. The people around you don’t get it—they tell you to move on, as if detaching from trauma were as simple as flipping a switch.

But what if the real reason you can’t stop thinking about them isn’t just emotional—what if it’s biological?

Welcome to the reality of trauma bonds. These aren’t ordinary attachments. They’re forged under high-stress, high-stakes dynamics where pain and pleasure are tangled up in a cycle your nervous system becomes wired to expect. This is especially true in narcissistic abuse, where the push-pull dynamic—the highs of idealization and the lows of devaluation—acts like an unpredictable drug. Over time, your brain becomes chemically dependent on the very person who’s hurting you.

What does trauma bonding actually look like?

Would you consider yourself the survivor of, or participant in, a trauma bond? We can form these bonds between any kind of abuser. Our bosses, our partners, our parents, our grandparents, our siblings, and even our friends. These connections aren’t bound to any one type of relationship. Instead, trauma bonds are the often-overwhelming connections that form between a victim of abuse and the toxic person who manipulates or abuses them.