The Narcissistic Mother: Sons vs. Daughters

Who wins and who loses in this age-old battle?

Image via Kiwitanya (Envato Elements)

A narcissist gives birth to her first child. A girl. A few years later, she gives birth again. This time to a son. Who is the favorite child?

It’s not a trick question. Not when you’ve been inside the head of a narcissistic mother. That’s because the narcissistic mother assigns vastly different emotional roles and systems of values when it comes to their kids, especially when it comes to their sons vs. their daughters. That’s right. Narcissistic mothers show favoritism to their children, and gender comes built in as a part of that experience. When your mother is a narcissist, she expects vastly different things from you based on your role as daughter or son.

There are vastly different levels of triangulation, manipulation, competition, and control between a narc mother and her children. Enmeshment, idealization, emotional grooming, and identity suppression are all affected by gender in the narcissistic family. These roles serve the mother’s fragile ego, but it does long-term (often irrevokable) damage to the children who are raised in the shadow of her narcissism.

Until you unpack just how a narcissist’s gender biases affected your upbringing, you may struggle to fully heal and move on.

Looking closer at the narcissistic mother archetype.

Before you step into this next stage, dispel what you think you know about narcissism. Having NPD doesn’t guarantee grandiosity or even an overt sense of superiority. All narcissists are different, and this is no more apparent than when you take a look at the female narcissist who becomes a mother.