Limerence: How It Affects Relationships and Strategies for Recovery
Have you been a victim of this one-sided dynamic?
Chances are that, if you’re here, you’ve probably heard the term limerence a time or two. There’s also a pretty good chance that you don’t quite know what this means. Limerence? Is that some kind of liminal space? It’s not. It’s a one-sided type of unhealthy infatuation that can derail your entire life if you’re not careful.
If you’ve ever felt a completely unhinged, uncontrollable, and completely detrimental attraction to someone (who probably didn’t feel the same) then chances are you have some idea of what limerence is.
This is a common experience in people with a history of childhood trauma and those who are neurodivergent. Far from being the tragically romantic story it’s often painted as, when someone is in a state of limerence they can end up in a state of obsession that leaves them both hurt and in the process of hurting others. Breaking the cycle with compassion is a must.
What Is Limerence and Who Experiences It?
At one point or another, many of us have experienced the pangs of infatuation; but limerence? That's a whole different ball game. It's a term coined in the late 20th century by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, describing an involuntary state of deep obsession and infatuation with another person. But here's the big question: Who is affected by limerence?
Well, anyone can be, regardless of their relationship status—single, coupled, or navigating the often-tumultuous seas of a breakup.
It’s thought that there are 3 factors at play in those who experience limerence: childhood experiences (like trauma), biochemical predisposition (how your neurology works), and personality (levels of neuroticism, control, etc).
For those who were neglected in childhood, or who experienced a traumatic environment in which interpersonal connections were not safe, insecure attachment is often developed. This insecure attachment has many overlapping symptoms with limerence and is thought to contribute greatly to its development in adults.
Trauma alone is not the key factor. Many neurodivergent people experience limerence, which is thought to be due to their unique brain chemistry and neurochemical processes. They are more predisposed to these relationships and therefore have to be more cognizant of these one-sided connections.
Understanding Limerence
The line between love and limerence can seem blurry. While love often matures over time, becoming a stable and mutual bond, limerence is more akin to being caught in a tempest of feelings; it's characterized by an insatiable longing, accompanied by an intense emotional dependency. There’s a melancholy to it, too. Those in limerence are always chasing, never being chased, and in a pattern of exhaustion.
Of course, as with any unhealthy mental state, there are concrete signs we can look for that could indicate patterns of limerence in our lives and relationships. Being aware of them is the first step in addressing them and creating healthier connections and bonds with those we love.
Signs and Symptoms of Limerence
Intrusive thoughts about the object of affection
A heightened sensitivity to their actions and reactions
An aching desire for reciprocation of feelings
Idealization of the other person; placing them on a pedestal
As one can see, limerence is a lot more intense (and negative) than a true-love connection. A person in limerence thinks obsessively of the person they are infatuated with. This person they are infatuated with may not even know they exist. All the same, they have an aching desire for the reciprocation of feelings and a heightened sensitivity to the actions and reactions of that person.
They may convince themselves that they see secret meaning in what the person says or what they do. There’s a real over-idealization. To the person in limerence, the object of infatuation can say or do no wrong. They exist on a pedestal to be raised and worshipped.
The Impact on Relationships
People wrapped in the cocoon of limerence might find their behavior and thought patterns eclipsed by their longing. They might make choices or act in ways that are... out of character, shall we say? This intense focus can throw the equilibrium of a relationship off-balance. And for couples, imagine trying to build on a foundation that keeps shifting—it's tough.
When you’re experiencing limerence within your action romantic relationship, that pattern of romantic obsession can lead to some serious problems.
Loss of Self: When someone is in a state of limerence, they can lose sight of themselves. They dissolve into the other person, or what they believe the other person wants them to be. This can result in a partner who doesn’t know who they are, and another partner who suddenly doesn’t recognize the person that they’re with.
Deteriorating Circles: A person in limerence tends to chase the object of their infatuation to the point of distraction. This may damage their other relationships, leading to total isolation. It’s common for someone in limerence to abandon other real partnerships as they chase their partners and spouses.
Complete Emotional Dependence: There’s a lot of emotional dependence that occurs in a relationship built on limerence. The person experiencing limerence bases all of their emotional “happiness” on the other person, which is a recipe for disaster. When they are inevitably let down, disaster can ensue.
Recovery and Improvement
If you’ve gotten trapped in a limerence storm the good news is that improvement is always possible. You can learn to cope with this tragic habit and build healthier and more realistic relationships. When your sails have been caught in the winds of limerence, steering towards healthier shores can involve:
Self-Reflection: Sometimes the heart needs a moment to recognize what it's actually feeling. Acknowledging that what you are going through is limerence, not love, can be a revelation.
Establishing Boundaries: It might seem counter-intuitive, but creating some emotional and physical space can help dilute the intensity of the feelings.
Focused Distractions: Channelling your energy into hobbies, work, or social activities can help shift your mind away from the limerent object.
Connection and Communication: For those in a relationship, fostering an environment where open and honest communication thrives can build a bridge over troubled waters.
These are small, practical steps that can built on every day as you move toward a healthier way of living and being within your romantic relationships. You don’t have to settle for the endless chase of infatuation or sell yourself out to a partnership that’s more idealized than it is realistic. You can be happy in the real world with a real partner who loves you back as you deserve.
Where to Go From Here…
Realizing that limerence doesn't equate to defective feelings, but rather a phase that many experience can be an eye-opener. It's part of the human spectrum of emotions that can propel us toward self-awareness and healthier relationships.
Like any storm, limerence can be weathered with the right coping strategies, survival skills, and maybe—just maybe—a little help from our friends, counselors, or support networks.
Remember, every step towards understanding our own hearts is a leap toward cultivating more meaningful connections. Don't be afraid to ask for directions on this journey; everyone needs a compass now and then.
© E.B. Johnson 2024
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